I vomited in the street the day I found out about your affair. Are you proud? You illicited such disgust and shock in me that my body went in to a survival state and purged my stomach contents because it thought my body was physically harmed and it needed that function to protect my organs.
Look what you did. You didn’t see because instead of following me, fighting for me, you were texting her.
I don’t think we have to worry about my marriage anymore. She’s seen the messages. She’s left.
I couldn’t breathe when I read those 4 sentances on that fucking app. That seedy disgusting app.
I’m supposed to be mind mapping but all I can think about is you
You want to map my body
LOL I love you
I love you
I felt every second of insecurity about you and about me vindicated in a burning surge of adrenaline and panic which literally took my breath away. I had to read the messages 3 times before I could really understand that I was reading your affair. You were sat on the toilet when I staggered upstairs and sat on our marital bed unable to breath. I wonder if in that moment fear came through you. Whether you got that rush too?
It made my throat close, my stomach drop when it hit me what had happened. I couldn’t stop shaking. I suddenly became more furious and depressed than I had ever been.
I wish I had run out the door at that moment. Our son wasn’t there. I wish I had taken your phone and the dog and gone out. Not spoken to you. Taken time to respond rationally and not emotionally. You don’t plan for the moment you find your husband mentally removing the underwear of his boss.
I wish I had taken more time to protect my feelings. My hurt. My life. Instead I did what I emotionally always wanted when I was sad, I ran to you, because I had trusted you implicitly for five years and you had given me great comfort during that time, during the death of two of the most important people in my life you held my hand and held me, and instinctively you were my only safe space. The place I was truly open and vulnerable.
Do you know what you’ve destroyed in me?
That level of investment in another person was something I never ever thought I would give another man. I never thought I would trust another man enough to marry. You made me feel all those things. Made me imagine a bright future together. Made me believe I could trust and love you and be vulnerable with you. You made me believe that my long held belief that I was alone other than for my child was wrong. Then you laughed and took it all away.
You pulled out the rug. Ripped up the rule book. And took it all away.