We Believe in Recovery from Infidelity
We are living proof that recovery after Infidelity is possible. That it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. Infidelity was a huge shock to our relationship, in a lot of ways for both of us. We reeled from the discovery of it individually broken in our own ways. Devastated by the mess that our relationship was in. Infidelity Recovery has been messy, and tough and has challenged us both in ways that surprise us still every day. As we approach a year out from the first discovery day we are still working through things but bringing you along for the ride too. Infidelity Recovery has been our biggest challenge but has brought so much to our marriage.
You can read our stories by clicking the buttons below.
It’s never an optimal position to be in, knowing that your significant other has broken your wedding vows, the promises you made in good faith to one another but if you’re there you can make it into something which transforms your relationship.
Infidelity recovery is hard, I won’t ever say any differently however if you get it right, even if you make all the mistakes going, if you get there in the end your relationship will be safer, stronger, and happier. You will move past love as this vague idea, and really understand what it is. A verb. Love is a doing word. You’ll get down in to the hidden bodies of your relationship and all those things you thought were buried will resurface. It will be tough. You will need to be strong for one another. But then. Then it can be good. It can be better than before.
The Unfaithful is Responsible for the Affair
Whatever was happening in your relationship the unfaithful partner CHOSE to cheat. It wasn’t an accident no matter how gradually they slid in to it. Most importantly the betrayed spouse did not contribute, is not at fault and should not hold blame for the affair.
Your marriage could have been in the depths of despair, but only one of you chose to cheat. That person, and the affair partner, are to blame, not the betrayed spouse. That doesn’t instantly canonise the betrayed spouse, they are not suddenly saints, it doesn’t relieve them of responsibility for healing or for the hidden bodies, but it simply means the unfaithful partner fucked up and they have to own that responsibility fully. They are to blame for their mistake not the betrayed. That may be a tough pill to swallow for some unfaithful spouses. It’s likely they have not been taking responsibility for much lately. Until they do though, recovery is going to be hard.
It Takes Two To Tango…Only One is Important Though
The old adage could not be more true. Unless the affair partner has no idea that the unfaithful is in a relationship then they are 100% responsible for their part in the affair. It’s not a 100% split two ways kinda thing. The unfaithful is responsible for their bit. The affair partner responsible for their part.
Lets get one thing straight though, focusing on the affair partner, no matter who they are, is not going to help your self esteem, your marriage or your future. There may be some understandable anger. Some hurt too. You.Have.To.Let.It.Go.Sometime.
In our case this was difficult. They worked together before, during and after the affair. She showed little to no remorse and took even less responsibility. She lied and gas lit both me and my husband. She lied to her ex-husband (who was still living in the house). She lied to their employer and colleagues. It was messy.
Moving past the affair partner is an essential part of healing, whatever you do, remember that real world consequences exist.
Mistakes Will Happen…It’s Fine. It’ll Be Fine Anyway
We have made every mistake. When you watch videos, or listen to podcasts about affairs you’ll inevitably see a list of mistakes that people have made. You’ll be scared about what that means especially when you identify those mistakes as your own mistakes. It happens to the best of us don’t worry.
With all the support, guidance and will in the world, Infidelity Recovery is going to be caught up in some pretty strong and powerful emotional traumas and forces. You could read every book going before you even knew an affair was on the horizon but when that trauma hits and the anger wells up you won’t be able to remember not to throw a trainer at their head, or what that the four horsemen of divorce are. Emotional brain takes over rational one for a while and that’s fine. Just don’t take a baseball bat to anything you might regret.