I write from a super hurt place right now, I’m writing this after spending the day in tears, starting from waking with the hangover from last nights fight, something that sparked out of nothing and became massively triggering.
It triggered memories of the period of time before I knew what was happening. A period of time when I was desperate to figure out what was going wrong for us. I remember knowing something was wrong, you were vicious in arguments and you weren’t interested in resolving them, you weren’t sharing with me and when you were it seemed like I had to drag information from you, you lost all interest in sex, or spending time with me, you were texting late in to the night, staying up later than usual. You did everything you could to make me feel like our problems were my fault. Of course I had some fault as to where our hidden bodies were, the problems that they caused, and I accepted that, I worked hard to try and change my contributions to this but nothing seemed to help the atmosphere in our home.
I remember around the beginning of April, I wrote a note, a note saying that I was a failure. I was a failure at my life, that I was a failure at marriage, that I was a failure as a parent, and a failure in my career. I told you all this just a week or two before you took your affair to a secret app and started talking about how much you’d like to fuck her. It’s fuzzy but I reckon about a week before you told her you had feelings for her. I thought I was going crazy at the time because nothing I could do was good enough for you, or our marriage. I was a failure, not good enough, I already had a failed relationship behind me and here I was in the midst of another falling apart. I was the common denominator after all.
Finally I felt like I was on the edge of the world about to fall off. My mental health deteriorated so much I could barely get out of bed let alone go to my demanding job caring for others. I wanted the world to stop.
I told you I was serious about saving us and you were aloof, you agreed that we could work things out but you let me do everything, I set up stuff to stop us arguing about petty things, I planned family trips and activities, I planned and cooked us food, nights out, dates, family time, none of it was making any difference. You were different. Distant. You didn’t want to hold me. You didn’t want to even sit next to me and even in bed you were on your phone, too tired to be intimate but staying up while I slept texting to late at night. Getting up early. I stopped getting good morning texts, I stopped hearing from you through the day, no lunchtime hello, no texts, no emails.
It was like you were sprinting away from me and I just couldn’t keep up so I started unloading things in my life that I thought were distracting me from our life, that were slowing me down from keeping up with you. I offered to find a different job, I worked long hours in a stressful job so I thought that was impacting us, you always said how much you hated my hours after all, you thought this was a good idea but only if I could get the same money somewhere else, then I said I would defer my Masters degree a year to give us time and space to recover our marriage and you agreed to that too. Both these things would have been a major step backwards for me and you were happy for me to do them, all the while telling me I was making changes and that was good. You weren’t making any other than being argumentative, vicious, unapologetic for shitty behaviour, you picked fights with me about anything and I continued to believe I was the toxic one.
It nearly broke me and had I not found out when I did, I probably would have become seriously unwell. Even in the immediate aftermath you didn’t admit that our marriage was in pieces because of you, apparently you’re able to work on a marriage whilst seeing someone else. That’s your idea of facing up to whats happening in your life.
You look back at this with shame, I know you do, you’ve told me. You’ve never really tried to hide your shame at this once the penny dropped that you had napalmed our life. You triggering those memories brought me back to that panic, I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t be around you. I asserted to you that you won’t ever get away with that behaviour again, because now, things are different. I’m not going to lose myself to save this marriage. It destroyed it before and nearly destroyed me. You don’t have that leeway anymore, you never should have but you’ve used all your ass hole credits and now it’s done. You don’t get anymore.
So this fight will be done with, life will move on, but you need to understand really what you put me through. You need to understand that whilst you discussed BDSM and illicit sex with someone I was giving up my whole life for you and you were letting me do it and what that does to someone. I lost my whole self to our marriage and now I have to rebuild that. The person who should have protected me from that, from my perfectionist self, you fed me my soul. Encouraged me to eat it like a child being fed broccoli. Even as I said it all felt wrong you carried on. You have to not be that person anymore. You have to understand what real love is now and live it.
You’ve no more passes, no more hail marys, no more chances. This is it. No more giant fuck ups. We will have fights along the way but as long as things improve they will be dealt with like any other couple. But no more will I lose myself to you and the second I feel that slip you won’t have me anymore. You won’t have our son. You won’t have our pets. We will slip from you as fast as you can imagine. No more ass hole credits left.