The affair partner is a difficult one. So many people will tell you that it’s your partner that cheated on you not the affair partner but in my view they aren’t sharing responsibility, it’s not a 50/50 thing, it’s a 100/100 thing. They are both equally and separately responsible for their own part in the affair. They have both hurt the betrayed spouse and both have engaged in things they know they shouldn’t have (presuming that the affair partner knows their partners marital status).
The difficulty with the affair partner is they often know a lot about you and you know NOTHING about them. Also they often are not remorseful, not in the same way as your partner. Or at least you don’t see that. In our case my husbands affair partner not only lied to me multiple times, she saw the devastation they had caused and continued to lie and mess with my head.
Most of all, she isn’t sorry, she makes herself the victim at every opportunity. You can read a lot about it in the posts on the link above. She has used other people to reinforce that victim statement too. It’s pathetic and that’s really what made me think about her and see her in a new light.
She is pathetic. Her self esteem was so low she was willing to engage in sexting with a married man for a boost. She was so pathetic that instead of going for someone healthy who might reject her she went for someone who was clearly mentally unwell (and was honest with her about it). She went down the same pattern that she has with other relationships too. She collects weaker people who will idolise her. The way she spoke about her so called best friend really shocked me, she spoke like she was some kind of messiah for her, scooping up the poor and lame and taking them under her wing. She’s a narcissist which is all steeped in low self esteem.
Instead you focus on your self esteem.
My self esteem took an absolute beating after my husbands affair. I felt disgusting and repulsive on so many layers of pain. It was very difficult to pull myself out of that funk, I’m still working on it a lot. I am engaging in a lot of self help work, a lot of time on myself and exploration of who I am because I just lost who I was. Here’s some things that helped me a lot.
The Goddess Revolution by Mel Wells, this is not about affairs at all but is very much about honouring yourself through diet, and self love. It is hard to read when you feel so negative about yourself but you have to suspend that and put your trust in it.
The Goddess Revolution” target=”_blank” rel=”noopener”>How does the betrayed spouse regain honour – this video was very interesting for me to read as it mirrors our situation so much. My husband very often focuses on what happened in his own spectrum of experience when actually he forgets that I didn’t receive anything for the hurt and humiliation I am now experiencing.
This article is great, it points out some home truths which you’ll need to get on board with most of all that it was never ever your fault. No matter what they told you, no matter what issues there were, no matter what it is that was wrong in your relationship, it is never your fault.
Samuel from Affair Recovery talks about how his wife woo’d him back, initially I found the whole thing a bit repugnant but then I realised that it was more about the fact that by rebuilding her self esteem their marriage became stronger, healthier and Samantha started to rebuild her self esteem. It was beneficial.