Discovery of an Affair
Initial discovery, or DDAY (discovery day) is a seriously traumatic time. You can read my posts about discovery by looking at that category of posts or by clicking HERE. Resources for Discovery of an affair are from all over the web. I hope they are helpful. We will keep adding everything we find for you.
After the discovery of an affair you might be questioning yourself, or you might want to know what it was you missed or dismissed. I know that underneath it all I thought something was going on but I pushed that feeling down a lot. My husband told me that it was a friendship and he would tone it down. I felt, and he reinforced, that my history was making me paranoid. This article is a good indicator, I think that I can tick off nearly every one of those signs with hindsight.
Go Ask Suzie has a great “Affair Recovery 101” section of her website. It’s a good place to start & to realise you are not alone. Also the page for the Betrayed Spouse and Wayward Spouse are good places to start.
If you’re suddenly finding that you want to have sex with your unfaithful partner all the time then you’re probably experiencing “hysterical bonding”, which is a total mind fuck but is part of the processing. You can read more about it here.
(Just to say this website has some religious elements but it’s not full on). Emotional Affair Recovery site has some great tips for those at DDay including Surviving Discovery, Infidelity Discovered: Ways to Calm Your Emotions, The “Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda” list is good too, The Stages of Recovery, and Signs of an Emotional Affair.
Chump Lady (anti recovery) talks about The Pick Me Dance and what to do in the immediate aftermath. It is definitely something I wish I had read at the time of DDay (and for the month that followed). HuffPost Life came up with a good post as well about the humiliation faced by the betrayed as they play the game after dday. I regret playing the pick me dance. I hate that he put me in that position. It is humiliating even now, and it brings in to question so many dynamics in our relationship which are now becoming something we have to think about carefully.
There are some great listicles out there which will help you ground yourself, this one has 12 things to do after you find out about the affair, this one has 5 things not to do, and this one 8 tips for coping. Relate offer up some top tips as well.
Ending The Affair
This felt like an obvious one for me, once you’re found out you end it right? Apparently it’s a bit more complex than that as my husband and many other significant others have proven. Ending the affair is obviously a starting point. Neither party can move forward until it’s over. Yo-Yo-ing between two affair partners has shown to extend recovery extensively. Believe me, I know.
Here are some great videos for you, short, sweet, and impactful:
This article is about how it’s tough to stop an emotional affair.