Finding out that I was a Betrayed Spouse was easily one of the most devastating events I’ve been though. Shock and trauma are the only ways to describe the moment I found the messages which confirmed my nagging feeling. Reading the four messages that I found numerous times in a split second. I just didn’t believe what I was reading. Suddenly my world shifted, my bubble burst and everything changed. I was confused, destroyed, angry and upset. As I cried and screamed and vomited I had no idea what lay ahead.
The first 48 hours after discovery were a blur. I tried my best to process what had happened. He begged me to stay with him. Betrayed is the best word I have ever heard to explain what I was feeling. I had never felt so let down. Never felt so misled. It was painful and I felt so very very alone. I hope that you being here, makes you realise that you are far far from alone.
My Story : How I Became A Betrayed Spouse
You can read my story by clicking the button below or following this link.
Our marriage had it’s difficulties but my husband he wasn’t like other men. He wouldn’t cheat. Just wasn’t that type. I firmly believed that. It was so naive of me to accept it but he sold me an image of him which he thought was true.
Only it wasn’t. The weeks following Discovery Day (DDay) One were painful, blurry and we both did things that were fully regretful to us. He didn’t end the affair for a further four weeks, I knew things were wrong but wasn’t willing to face it at that time. Hysterical bonding took over and I clung to everything I could that he still loved me.
Desperation not to lose my marriage, family and future took over and the need to survive made me into a person which was not healthy. It took time for us both to reach a more healthy recovery space but we got there.
But that’s ok. Because Betrayed Spouses make mistakes in recovery too. Mistakes are OK and it is essential we are kind to ourselves about them.
You may be feeling a million things right now and every single one of them is valid. Remember before you ACT on those feelings you’ll still face real world consequences. The world may sudden feel very unsafe, that’s because you have been traumatised, what you thought was real is not. Most importantly you have to realise that you have been through a shock, betrayal trauma is a real thing which is damaging and has impact on your mental health. You have to care for yourself.
Betrayal Trauma is a Thing: Most important thing to remember is that you don’t have to make a single decision right away. The world will not end if you don’t know what to do immediately
Understanding shock and trauma is very important and for this reason you need to start by watching these two videos. They clearly explain, with science, just how this trauma effects our minds. I recommend you watch it with your unfaithful spouse, but if they aren’t ready it’ll help you understand why your brain is doing the things that it’s doing right now.
They are about 30 mins in length and show an Unfaithful Spouse (Sam) and an expert in Infidelity Trauma. They will explain to you, and your unfaithful spouse WHY you are feeling the way you feel. Some of it may be difficult to hear and understand if you’re early on in recovery but it will fall in to place. I promise.
If you look at the blog start off with early posts, or read posts from the tag “discovery” first, they might resonate with you. Don’t worry if there are things you aren’t ready to engage with. Rome wasn’t built in a day. As time goes on more things will be accessible to you. Time does change things. It changes how you think, allows you to think clearly and decide what you want.
You can find lots of resources for you here on Infidelity Recovery UK as well. Just head to the Resources page.